Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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