I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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