If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
