Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
There r osticjed everywhere
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
