listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
