I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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