i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
