Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
