I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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