I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
