so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
