Ambien. No doubt about it.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
