considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
