Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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