Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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