You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
