You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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