I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
