I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Too much gin, very little bucket
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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