I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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