i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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