if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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