I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize