Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize