My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
