I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
