....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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