I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
