Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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