i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
