making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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