He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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