the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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