im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
