How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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