So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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