so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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