Apparently you make a good broom.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I have tasted many bathrooms
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