it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
