Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
