my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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