Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
worst night to have a conscience
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
