I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
