whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
