Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize