i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize