Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
