the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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