I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
