I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
