Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
