i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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