I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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