I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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