WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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