i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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