There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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