Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
